I’ve got a special treat for you loyal readers – a guest post by the up and coming Youtuber Markus – from MVP. He’s only been at it a few months and he’s at nearly 17,000 views! If you like his writing, you’ll love his videos – so check out his channel for more great advice on social tips, dating, and making new friends 😀
My name is Markus and I create entertaining animated videos about social skills, confidence, dating etc on my YouTube channel called MoralsValuesPrinciples, or for short MVP.
I was invited to write a guest post on the topic of how to be authentic and why it definitely beats being nice to everyone. Instead of revealing the “Secret To Become The Ultimate Social Ninja” or the “Simple Hack For Being Authentic” I will show you some real life examples as this perspective opened my eyes and I hope it does the same for you.
I am not a big fan of those catchphrases people use to get more views at the expense of people who actually hope to learn something useful. The next couple paragraphs are going to show you how to develop yourself to be more authentic, because this works quickly once you get the hang of it.
How to Make Real Friends
Think of a country that you think is in good shape politically, economically, and so on. Let’s say people cross the border of this country and steal from the locals. Of course, they would be punished by the legal system. Otherwise, this country would not be able to function properly. No rules means chaos. This seems to make sense to everyone I explain this to.
Do the laws care about making those intruders feel uncomfortable or unwelcome? Obviously not, because the laws protect the inhabitants of the country, which is more important.
Now imagine yourself as that country. I know this seems to become abstract but trust me, it will all make sense in a bit. You need to setup your own legislation and be clear about what you tolerate, like and expect etc. Not having that would mean people can play you as they want.
Short story about that: When I was in school I was nice to everyone and tried to like what others like, yes I know, this is typical for that age, but many people do it later on in their lives without even noticing it. I thought everybody would like and respect me back.
The opposite was true – they didn’t take me seriously and as a result they couldn’t really like me on a deeper level as they were not able to tell what I was actually all about.
Another scenario: You are at a bar and meet a girl for a date. She is really into those romantic comedies and all that super amazing stuff. Sarcasm aside – even though some are actually watchable. She is also a smoker.
My rules/legal system/borders in that case would clearly state that I am not a big fan of that. I like to play video games from time to time, like to dance, find smoking girls unsexy, so on and so forth; basically our interests don’t match up. It would be easy to accept smoking because she looks good and agree and say I also love romantic comedies just to “build rapport”.
But does it actually help? People notice small cues in your body language, tonality etc. and are quickly able to tell if what you say is authentic. Something will feel off subconsciously and that will outweigh all the points you gained from being “likeminded”. She will wonder: what is he actually like? There is no polarization and attraction in that.
This means being shapeable and girls always say they like a man they can form the way they want him to be but in reality they don’t.
What could you do better on that date? Personally, I would say something like: Romantic comedies? Of course, I totally saw that coming, you really seem like that kind of girl that enjoys watching them with some ice-cream and crying when someone tragically dies right? But you would need to be amazingly convincing to make me want to watch that stuff with you, or we watch it on your birthday instead of a present so I don’t need to take care of that 😜
As I am writing this, I can imagine that it comes off as rude, arrogant and too teasing, but imagine the situation and everything is said in a relaxed, lighthearted and fun way. She will know that you don’t like what she likes in that case, but will be fine
with it for sure. She would only turn you down for not liking it if you were not confident about it.
My preference for smoking girls needs to be evaluated in this specific case. First she needs to know that I don’t like it. I don’t expect her to change for me, but maybe we could find a compromise so she only smokes when we don’t meet. Then I need to see if that actually works for me. But saying I don’t care about her smoking and making a disgusted face after kissing her for example definitely doesn’t work.
And if she says: video games are a waste of time and only nerds play them I used to agree. Now I would answer with a smile: I guess I am a nerd then. Usually they are at least a little bit surprised as long as you don’t look completely nerdy and have your style and appearance handled and say: “What!? You’re a gamer?” Then you can insist and say how awesome video games can be etc.
I myself have been on dates where I would talk about some amazing wins I had and if you show enough passion and you are confident about it, they will totally buy into that and find it cool too, trust me.
Being “Nice” Doesn’t Make Friends
You shouldn’t agree or drop your opinion because you feel it might not be accepted or cool. That is one of the key ideas in this post. You can apply this in other situations as well.
Even when you are at the office and a co-worker talks about how amazing the last baseball game was. If you are honest, you didn’t watch it but to be nice and create common ground you agree and say the plays were truly unbelievable. Sooner or later you will be exposed and you both are going to be in an uncomfortable position.
Now what’s wrong with saying “Nah I don’t really follow baseball I just can’t really see the excitement in it, but if that game was really that great you can explain it and maybe you can motivate me to give it a shot”?
In general, people trust and respect others who are relatable and authentic. The funny thing is that caring less about being relatable, meaning you stand true to what you really think – makes you more relatable.
That sounds confusing, I know, but who is more relatable to you? The one that is even nice to people he doesn’t like and as a result you are not sure if he actually
likes you or just pretends to or the guy that clearly doesn’t like baseball as much as you do but where you can be sure he is also honest when he says he likes you? The choice is obvious for me and this is also the key to get deeper connections with people.
The more you show your “edges” if you want, the more you polarize and the more people will genuinely like you. Of course, you will have some people disliking you doing that, but that would be the case anyway if you were nice to everyone.
Have you ever seen a popular YouTube video with no dislikes? – Me neither!
Remember: Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.
If you want to find out more about similar topics feel free to check out my: YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCf6DtUIGTHmW1m3Bk5_tcYg
My Youtube Videos:
The Power Of Confident Body Language: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jjf5P6jb9X0
How To Get Rid Of Insecurities: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7xiUxP3Isw
How To Speak So Others Want To Listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_N5hFK3XmQ0
How To Make An Amazing First Impression: https://www.youtube.com/watch?confidencev=C4sVxTlgr8Q
How To Prevent Cheating: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vy9d6rPYQJ8